Noah and his Second Ark
It was Spring, and Noah was in his back yard, polishing his Unusual Microcar when a familiar voice boomed from the Heavens, Ey-up Noah! Ow's tha been! (Maybe I should explain - Yes, He is a Yorkshireman, that's why Yorkshire is called His County.)
Yea verily , I'm keeping well, Lord ', replied Noah apprehensively. ' I suppose this isn't a social visit - what would you like doing this time? '
Aye , tha's reet,I replied the Heavenly Voice , Earth hasn't turned out like I wanted so tha's to build another Ark just like befooer. I'm going to flood t'world again and give humanity another chance to start afresh. Tha must save thysen and thy family and thy Unusual Microcar and a few useful spares and two of every living thing. In abart 6 months IÃll be starting pouring tÃunending rain for Forty days and Forty nights, maybe more if I doze off and forget to stop it , but I'll pop back just before to make sure thaÃs ready. So get cracking! and the Voice faded away Ö
Six months later, Noah was again in his back yard , this time looking at the gathering stormy clouds when the Voice spake unto him again, 'Ey-up, Noah where's my Ark?
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "It's not been as simple as last time. When the Authorities found out what I was planning, they wanted me to fill out a stack of forms. They said I needed a Building Permit before I could start. I've been arguing with the Inspectors about the need for a sprinkler system because it'd be a wooden structure. My neighbours claim that I'd be violating Building Regulations by constructing the Ark in my yard and exceeding the statutory height limitation. I've had to go to the Development Appeal Board and I'm waiting for a decision."
Noah continued Ö"Then the Department of The Environment decided that I could not build the Ark without completing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood."
ìThen the Department of Highways wanted to know how I was intending to get the Ark to the sea .They wanted me to lodge a cash reserve fund for the future costs of moving telegraph wires and power lines and other overhead obstructions to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the coast, and a sum to cover the haulage and craneage and Police escort costs. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but the Standing Regs didn't cover this."
ìWhile I was trying to resolve a complaint from the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew, the Shipbuilding Unions got involved. They insisted that I took on only skilled union trades people with previous Ark building experience and they wanted Job Descriptions, Pension Plans and Holiday Entitlements along with a full risk assessment before they would allow anyone onto the build site. No-one believes that I was going to build it on my own so thatÃs them picketing my home out front right now.
Then the Maritime Authorities waded in wanting to know what sea-faring qualifications I held, was I registered with Lloyds, would the vessel have the correct radar and sat-nav to comply with regs, and so on to stop them pestering me I've had to enroll at Nautical School and it's taking up most of my evenings.
"Getting timber has been another problem as there's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. They refused to believe me . Now I'm waiting for a Department of Trade waiver to import some wood from the Peruvian rain forest."
"In the meantime, I had actually started to gather the animals and birds and reptiles and Mr Ed and Dolly the Sheep but I had to stop when I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will, even though I didnÃt have any Geordies on board. Also, they argued that the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in such a confined space. They said I hadn't prepared an approved exercise routine, and I wasn't a qualified veterinarian to take care of the creature's well-being. I told them there would be no creatures left if I didn't get them all on board but nevertheless theyÃve placed an injunction to stop me collecting all the creatures.î
"Then, to make matters worse, the Inland Revenue Authorities seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally as well as with endangered species. They all said I'd need an Act of God to get this Ark through the Regulations. I said I had one, but they didn't believe me. "
"So, forgive me Lord, but it would take at least ten years to finish this Ark."
The Voice harrumphed, and coughed, and Hhhmmmed for a while then suddenly the skies began to clear and the sun started shining through. A multi-hued rainbow stretched across the sky from East to West. The Voice spake, Tha knows , Noah , I were going to teach the world a reet lesson by screwing everything up , but it looks like beaurocracy has beaten me to it ! Better forget the Ark, Noah, and get back to what you were doing before.
Wonderful, replied Noah, I was actually in the middle of preparing my Unusual Microcar for The National Micro Car Rally at Southwell Racecourse , near Newark , Nottinghamshire on 6th to 9th September , so I'll be able to go after all . It'll be great to see all my pals again , and their amazing Microcars.
The Voice answered, Ee lad , that sounds great! An' don't worry about rain I've gone off the whole idea.
Terry Parkin , Isetta World@aol.com
